Damaged

04_sad_eyes

Lost and alone

always home

little brother and me

he needs me

*

Dad left us

mom’s never home

it’s up to me

I pay the toll

*

But I’m a child you see

all my misery

I’m much too young

for this responsibility

*

Time has passed

older now

look at me

so narrowly I see

*

No faith in humanity

I have to see

don’t tell me what will be

show it to me

*

If my eyes don’t see

it’s not real

if my hands don’t touch

It’s not there

*

I have no trust

you abandoned me

to fend for us

little brother and me

*

I’m strong now

I know how

to take care of me

this you will see

*

I don’t need you

or anyone new

I’ll survive on my own

inside I’m strong and alone

*

Then you came my way

I drove you away

your love was true

I saw it as weakness in you

*

Don’t love me I said

was all in your head

I pushed you away

I wished I could stay

*

I broke your heart in two

I felt like shit too

no other way

I couldn’t stay

*

Life with you

would have been perfect it’s true

too much life was a head of you

another time or life maybe would do

*

I sit alone

at the edge of my bed

I won’t allow joy

I’d rather be numb instead

I stay safe inside my head

I’m damaged

I love you, I hate you

20140313-134750.jpg

 

Why did you come and steal my heart from me

it’s been seven long months

I’m still sitting here in misery

I have good days and bad

but you’re always on my mind

some days it’s happy thoughts

other days the small things remind

it was beautiful you and me

a match made in heaven

but wasn’t meant to be

we connected on a deep level

physically we were so compatible

our love making was hot and sweet

holding you made me complete

but then you went away

I couldn’t do anything to make you stay

now I love you and hate you

I love you so deep

its still so strong

day after day

its for you that I long

I hate you for making me feel this way

you live in my dreams

you haunt me by day

you fill my thoughts

you saturate my mind

remembering how we played

I miss you all the time

I love you

I hate you

I need you

I want you

will this ever end

will I ever  really be over you

on some days I’m not sure that I want to

you gave me the best day of my life

I wanted to take you for my wife

I scared you away

now I sit here in dismay

reliving it again

over and over

you were my best friend

my angel

my saving grace

with you I found my place

now you’re gone

I sing dirges all night long

a piece of me died

I wish I could feel alive

these words are like my love

never ending

a forgotten love song

My foolish heart

Image

My heart dreams and dreams

it never stops

it imagines a world

where everything is tops

it never cares about reality

it never thinks it could be a casualty

*

It always hurts

it never learns

giving in

to hunger and yearns

*

It only sees

what it wants to see

ignoring the world

why can’t it see me

*

It carries me away

to places far from here

it thinks it can change it all

bring all things near

*

Its dreams are a lie

they bring pain and hell

why don’t it wake up

the truth to tell

*

Stop living in dreams

they never come true

don’t live in a dream

they’re not for you

*

So its time to wake up

reality is here

stop letting it go

go back to the fear

*

Live life not the dream

that’s all that you have

dreams are for fools

nothing to grab

*

My foolish heart

time to let go

it is what it is

no more show

that’s what I know

You killed me

boulevard_of_broken_dreams_by_kociooka-d2y2yvs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day we met

I sang a song

a girl so sweet

a connection strong

*

It was fun

to get to know you

we talked all day

our friendship grew

*

Things progressed

we talked at night

cuddled close

it felt so right

*

Feeling close

closer every day

a love was coming

at least my way

*

I fell in love

you said not to

but how could I tell

my heart what to do

*

You were just right

a woman so bright

my perfect fit

for me you were it

*

Then it came

magic one day

my love was sealed

my heart had its way

*

My heart and soul

I gave to you

you thought I was weak

my love offended you

*

That day it changed

I hadn’t a clue

you were leaving

nothing I could do

*

You said lets be friends

something I can’t do

it’s torture for me

I can’t have you

*

You say call you back

when I get right

when I kill my feelings

I shared that night

*

Now I’m just lost

dazed and confused

my heart is broken

it’s torn in two

*

You took something from me

that magical day

my heart and my soul

the price that I paid

*

Now this pain

it comes and goes

it mostly comes

why I don’t know

*

I’m awake all night

thinking of you

what I did wrong

by loving you

*

I lost my mojo

can’t write a thing

I’ve been faking it

trying to write this thing

*

My days are empty

my nights are long

sad sad music

my new song

*

Lost my joy

my happy smile

I can’t laugh

it’s been a while

*

Nothing is good

food don’t taste sweet

everything is bitter

a bundle of nerves I keep

*

So please give it back

the heart that you own

restore my joy

make me whole

*

Love has a price

it don’t come for free

it costs you  your life

you killed me

Can’t Stop

sad man

I think it’s done

the pain is gone

it’s a lie

I want to die

where did it go

it comes uninvited

it kicks my ass

my pain unrequited

seven days straight

I felt great

today it’s back

I hurt so bad

feel so sad

when will it end

the pain to resend

I still love you

yes it’s true

time has stood still

I still want you

I’m trying to get past

this pain wants to last

it comes in waves

close to the grave

you don’t get it

you think it’s a game

don’t you know

I’ll never be the same

I hope tomorrow

I’ll feel better

probably not

I change like the weather

suck it up

walk straight ahead

put you behind me

get you out of my head

I have to get over you

don’t know what to do

I can’t stop

Winter

Four seasons

Early spring

all things new

love in the air

hearts renewed

*

Fresh green leaves

young and fair

smells so fresh

every sense aware

*

Summer comes

time for fun

live your life

always on the run

*

Raise your kids

do it right

prepare them now

to live a good life

*

Kids all grown

Autumn comes

body breaks down

not much fun

*

Aches and pains

everything used

tired now

pushing through

*

what’s ahead

what do I see

winter’s coming

no time for me

*

Leaves all gone

it’s all brown

all day long

I wear a frown

*

The good is gone

gray hair to stay

body hurts

wish I could play

*

If this is fall

what will it be

when winters come

the death of me

*

It’s not fair

life shouldn’t be this way

the end should be better

free from pain

*

But that’s not life

not for me

I’ll endure till the end

then eternity

Emily and me (Part 11)

I sat in that chair for three days. I was paralyzed. I didn’t know if I was awake or sleeping. I just kept fading in and out. The pain was relentless. It pounded my head continuously. I felt like a prize fighter with his back against the ropes, too weak to defend himself. Just taking punches, waiting for the inevitable knockout. My stomach hurt, I couldn’t stop crying. Nothing ever hurt that bad in my life. All I wanted was Emily and Natalie and I couldn’t have them. It was the hard reality I had to face.

After three days of pounding, I woke up.  I decided that I wasn’t going to lay down and die. I was going to punch my way off these ropes. If I got knocked out, at least I went down swinging. I wanted this more than anything. The pain was overwhelming and I had to make it stop. I stood up and shook myself. “Fuck this shit. I’m going to go get her and marry her. ” I declared. I immediately got on my computer and booked a one way flight to Germany. I wasn’t going to let Emily slip away. If I could only see her face to face, she would know that I’m committed to her and Natalie.  She had to see it, she just had too.

It was another miserable flight. The plane was over crowed once again. You could hardly move. I sat in the back near the restroom. It was a constant flow of people in and out. Screaming kids and their parents yelling at them. I couldn’t relax. I was nervous about seeing Emily. What if she refused to see me? What if she would’t see things my way? What if she still wanted out? Only time will tell. In the mean time I have to put up with all these noisy people.

The plane landed and I made my way to the baggage claim. As I was picking up my luggage I expected to turn around and see Emily running to me. I turned and all I saw was an army of people running back and forth trying to get to wherever they were going. My heart sank because she wasn’t there. I rented a car and started driving to Emily’s parents house. My hopes were high but my confidence was low. What will I see when I get there? I couldn’t quiet my mind. I tried to look at the beautiful scenery but it didn’t help.

The drive seemed like an eternity. I could see the house up ahead. I have never been more afraid in my life. I pulled in the driveway, stopped and walked up to the door. I knocked and Emily’s mom answered. “Is Emily here?” I asked nervously. Emily’s mom answered. “I’m so glad your here. Emily hasn’t left her room in days. She’s barely eaten and she won’t open her door. Her dad and I are ready to knock it down.” She said with her eyes filled with tears. I asked, “What about Natalie?” She touched my hand and said, “She is fine. We are taking good care of her.” I ran to Emily’s room and knocked on the door. “Emily, Emily it’s me. Please open the door.” I waited for her to speak to me. “Emily please baby, open the door.” I said said sounding desperate. I waited for a couple minutes and the door slowly opened. Emily stood in the doorway. She looked awful. Her eyes were all black and  appeared to be sinking into her head. It was noticeable that she had lost weight. I grabbed her in my arms and whispered in her ear. “Baby I’ve come to take you home.” She pulled me close to her and we both started crying. Emily sobbed at the top of her lungs. I was sobbing with her. Emily’s mom put her arm around me and cried with us. Natalie was outside with Emily’s dad, so she didn’t know what was happening.

We helped Emily to the kitchen where her mom already had soup simmering. She quickly poured a bowl for Emily. “Sit here baby, be careful, ” I whispered. She lost a lot of weight. I was worried. I needed to get her healthy. “Take a little soup baby.” Emily dipped the spoon into the soup and raised it up to her mouth. She said weakly, “Why did you come? I told you to stay home.” I just looked at her with all the love I could find. “Baby I know what you said but I’m here to show you that I mean what I said. I’m not going anywhere. You and Natalie are my family. My place is here with you.” Emily managed a smile. She was so weak from not eating. I waited as she finished her soup. Her mom left us alone so we could talk. “Baby, I’m not leaving. I’m here for you and Natalie for the rest of my life. I left everything behind to be with you. I’m going to give you and Natalie the kind of live you deserve.” I said confidently. Emily looked up and I could see a smile forming in the corner of her mouth. “You really mean that, don’t you?” She said. “Yes baby, I want to marry you . The sooner the better.” Emily threw her arms around my neck and began to sob again. I tried to calm her, but I couldn’t. She sobbed and tried to kiss me over and over again. She cried, “Baby I thought you would leave me. I thought if you went back to America, I would never see you again.” I just sat and held her until she stopped crying. Never saying a word, I walked her back up to her bed and helped her lay down.

We spent the next few days nursing Emily back to health. She progressed quickly. She was eating well and was in good spirits. I finally felt like I could breathe. Natalie didn’t really know what was going on and that was a good thing. Emily’s dad kept her busy, playing and doing other things. Emily’s mom was wonderful. She made sure that Emily had all the right food at the right time. She was like a Florence Nightingale the way she cared for her precious daughter. Now that Emily was starting to feel better, I felt like it was time for us to talk. We needed to talk about us and what our future together was going to be.

“How do you feel about us?” I asked. Emily looked at me and said, “I have questions. You know that my heart was broken before. I’m afraid. I can’t go through that again”. I wanted to hold her but I knew she needed answers. “I am in love with you Emily.  I want to spend my life with you. Every dream, every fantasy are being fulfilled in you.”  She said, “And what about Natalie? She is part of the package. You know that she is my life.” I felt a little hurt. “Baby, I love Natalie. I already think of her as my own daughter. I want her in my life. I want to help you raise her.” Emily smiled a little, “Baby how do I know that you won’t leave? I’m so afraid. I love you and want the same thing, but I can’t live in constant fear of losing you. If I give myself to you, I need to know that it is for life.” I had to convince her that my love was real and that we were going to live together forever. “Baby I left everything behind. I have nothing from my old life but a few clothes and my laptop.  I bought a one way ticket to fly here. I’ve already transferred all my funds to a bank here in town. I’m committed.” I got down on my knee and looked up at her. “Baby, I want you to be my wife. I want to be a father to Natalie. I want us to be a family. I will never leave you or Natalie.” Emily looked into my eyes. “Are you sure that’s what you want baby?” I looked up at her and said, “yes, with all my heart and soul. ” I stood up and took Emily by the hand. “What do you say ? Will you take me and let us be a family?” Emily smiled before she hugged me. “Yes my love, yes. I want it more than anything”. We became a family that day.

Emily and Me (Part 10)

I was miserable. The flight home was bumpy and long. I was sandwiched between two overweight  businessmen.  The guy in the window seat just ate and ate the whole flight. How could someone eat so many crunchy shacks? I was waiting for the flight attendant to bring a wheelbarrow full of cookies and potato chips up the isle and dump it in his lap. The guy on the other side wanted to talk my ear off. He was hoping to make a new friend. I was not. I just needed to think. I had to plan. The worst part of it was that I had to say goodbye to Emily and Natalie. I left my heart in Germany, and all I wanted was to be back there with them. But if I was going to do this, I had to fly back home and tie up all my affairs.  I made this commitment and was determined to follow though. I had to make all the arrangements to move to Germany to start our life together.

After what seemed like a life time, the plane landed in Boston. I stood in line to get my luggage for what seemed like hours. What a confusing mess. People looked like vultures waiting to grab their luggage. Half the people grabbed the wrong bags. I just waited in the back until finally I saw my bags coming. I stepped ahead of one of the overweight businessmen and grabbed my bags. He wanted to say something but I just gave him a look. I was in no mood to play games. I was on a mission.  I was miserable without my family.

As soon as I got home, I called Emily. “Hi baby, I’m home. How’s Natalie?”, I asked. “She is still sad that you left, I am too baby,” she quipped. “I know, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Emily quickly said goodbye and hung up the phone. I couldn’t help but notice that there was something different about her tone. “Not to worry,” I reasoned and went to bed. Sleep doesn’t come easy on a long flight like that. I slept for almost a whole day.

I woke up and it was 8:00 PM. I couldn’t believe I slept that long. I looked in the refrigerator and there wasn’t anything in there that I wanted to see. I should have thought about that before I left. I left too much food behind. It was pretty gross. I couldn’t make a similar mistake while I’m in the process of shutting down my life in the U.S. I had to get everything right. I got out my computer and started making lists. I couldn’t take everything with me, so I had to get rid of all of the furniture and appliances. This was going to be bigger than I thought. “What the hell do I do with all this stuff?” I thought.  I was determined, so I just dove into the pile and started working.

I woke up the next morning and headed to work. My boss was going to be upset to see me go. I was his best income producer and I always made him look good at the end of the month. He was a great boss and I was going to miss working with him. “Hi Larry”, I said with a smile. “How was the trip? I was sure missing my best sales rep.” “It was great Larry, we have to talk about something concerning my trip.” I said looking down. “Come on man, what is it?” I looked him in the eye and said, “I went to Germany to find love and I found it. I met a beautiful girl and her daughter. I’m leaving to go and live with them in a few weeks. I know it’s short notice, but I’m leaving as soon as I can.” Larry sat back in his chair and starred at me. “I’m happy for you. I really am. Have you thought about finding a job?”, he said seriously. “To be honest things are moving so fast, I haven’t had time to start looking. I have some money in the bank I should be good for a while,” looking down again. Larry smiled and said, “I may have something for you. We are are opening a new office in Germany in a few months. We have been preparing for almost a year. We don’t have anyone set to run it yet. We prefer someone who is home grown. You have been with us a long time and I think you would be perfect for the job.” I took a step back and had to sit down. I couldn’t believe it. Even this? Is it possible for every single dream to come true. “I’ll do it Larry. I want it. I’ll do a good job for you.” Larry shook my hand. “I know you will.  You are my best man. We will work out the details later. You better go. You have a lot of things to do.”

I couldn’t wait to call Emily. She is not going to believe this. I danced out of the building and ran to me car. She was going to be so happy. I raced into the house and called her right away. Emily answered the phone and I yelled “Baby, I have a job in Germany!  Larry is opening a new office and I’m going to run it.” Emily seemed distant to me. I thought she would be more excited. “That’s good baby. I hope you like it,” she said in a low tone. “Baby, what’s wrong?” I exclaimed. “I’m fine baby. I just need to sleep.” She said goodbye and hung up the phone. I was getting nervous now. She just didn’t seem right.

It was a month before I finally got all my loose  ends tied up. I ended up giving away most of my stuff. My neighbors loved me now. All I had to do now was book a one way flight back to Germany. Our new life was about to begin. Just as I was getting on line to book my flight my phone rang, it was Emily. “I have to tell you something.” she hesitated. “I’m sorry. I just can’t,” she sounded like she had been crying. “Emily what’s wrong? Is Natalie alright?” She sounded terrible. “I can’t do it baby. I can’t marry you. Please stay home and don’t come back here.” She was crying. “What happened baby? Did I do something wrong?” I said in a panic. “No, it’s not your fault. You know my heart was broken once before. I can’t do this. I can’t take the chance. I have to think about Natalie now. She is my life. Please leave me alone and try to understand.” I knew what she wast thinking. Her heart was broken and she lost her trust.  Her scar was deeper than I thought.  I knew my heart and my love for her and Natalie. I had to convince her that I would never leave her and Natalie. “I’m not that guy Emily. I’m committed to you and Natalie. I’m not leaving. I don’t have any hidden fiancee here. I love you both. I have plans for us. This is real. I know how we met. Twitter is a scary place but I love you. This is real. I want to give you and Natalie a good life. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” My words fell on deaf ears. Emily wouldn’t hear a word I was saying. There was nothing I could do to change her mind. I was stunned, what more could I say? I pleaded with her more, but she just started crying and hung up the phone. I staggered to my only chair and slumped down. My life was over. I just sat there broken. The pain was unbearable. My heart was torn into pieces, I started asking myself all the questions. The hardest one was “why”. I sat there all night staring out the window. I cried until my tears where all gone. Then I fell asleep.

Darkness fell over me

The first day I saw her

my life became brand new

she touched my very soul

darkness fell over me

 

love grew

we gave our all

I knew we’d never to fall

darkness fell over me

 

happy days, hot nights

passions swelled

it was so right

darkness fell over me

 

then today

you said goodbye

never gave a reason why

darkness fell over me

 

I said no no please

brought down to my knees

tears begin to flow

darkness fell over me

 

nothing I can say

you left me all the way

crying day by day

darkness fell over me

 

now life is gone

I want to be alone

pain replaced the love you’d shown

darkness fell over me

 

is this the end

no love to send

final words to pen

darkness fell over me